


This Isn't In My Programming

by ElmiDol



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Annoying Droids, Droid Programmer Reader, F/M, Final Pairing Undetermined, Hux is So Done, funny business
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-04 15:38:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12171813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElmiDol/pseuds/ElmiDol
Summary: You are in charge of programming the droids that work most closely with both General Hux and Kylo Ren. Unbeknownst to you, each of these two men have it in their heads that your relationship extends beyond the workplace. This causes things to escalate quickly when your two apparently secret boyfriends compare notes on their respective partner who is far too similar for their liking.{Fic discontinued due to irreparable differences between authors}





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Two authors meeting in person, writing a Star Wars fic while watching The Office. This is the result.

 

One of the most taxing responsibilities in the First Order belonged to those who dealt with the senators. The self-entitled politicians presented a visible change in demeanor for the man in charge of the creation of Starkiller Base. Despite this, you found it to be rather intriguing to work alongside the ginger-haired general. Being that you were in charge of the maintenance of the protocol droids he used when confronting Centrist senators of planets not well versed in Basic, you frequently found yourself traveling with him on these--what _he_ would deem--stressful meeting. Currently that found you smiling behind a datapad as one of your protocol droids chatted up the man about items the redhead clearly believed to be unimportant and unnecessary.

 

 

“Do you want to know the probability of someone poisoning you at this meeting, General? It’s very high. Very high,” the chatty protocol droid said as you took notes on your datapad.

 

 

Prior to this unsolicited advice from the droid, the room in which the three of you were waiting for the most recent meeting with a politician had been filled with silence. There was a podium at the front along with a holoprojector that could be used to display various data. You were seated in one of the chairs that likely held the daily function of holding the students that occupied the university as they listened to lectures. General Hux sat mere feet away, and the droid hovered almost directly atop the man. You were somewhat surprised that the superior officer had lasted this long without scowling. That expression of disdain and annoyance _did_ present itself at last.

 

 

“Y/N, do we have a way to shut him up for the time being?” Those blue-green eyes slid from the droid over to you in seemingly slow motion. This was one of his nonverbal tells that he was more than a little annoyed. Inwardly, you laughed your ass off. Outwardly, however, you managed to assume a straight face and offer a curt nod and firm _"yes, Sir."_

 

 

The protocol droid seemed oblivious to the man’s ire and continued to prattle on. “There probably will be guards with blasters. Wouldn’t be the first time an assassination occurred. Remember Senator Amidala?”

 

 

“Honestly, TR, we don’t give a damn right now. Okay? The least you could do is get us some water,” you said, rolling your eyes as you proceeded with your calculation of how many times the ginger-haired man tapped his foot as he impatiently waited. That was one small blessing when it came to this particular droid. As annoying as it could be, it never once had complained when asked to execute tasks such as getting water. The same could not be said for other droids you had programmed. One had met its end via a bolt from Hux’s blaster decimating its head.

 

 

TR returned with two glasses of water and you drank yours slowly, watching the General stare at the floor like he was determined to change the ugly carpeting inside that room. You recognized it as a pattern that had been installed in one of the rooms in Starkiller following an inventory error that was caused by a disgruntled former employee. It had taken weeks to install and another three weeks to have it successfully removed. This room was now known as Kylo Ren’s tantrum room, and ever since General Hux was constantly reminded of all the equipment that had been damaged by the Knight’s saber because of this error.

 

 

“General, the senators are ready to see you now,” a young assistant said as she entered the room.

 

 

“It’s about time,” he muttered under his breath, slowly standing up off his chair. You inwardly chuckled to yourself as you noticed him limping, probably from his foot falling asleep. When he started to look over his shoulder to see if you were following, you knowingly lifted your gaze to not upset him with your observations. To him, looks were _everything_.

 

 

The assistant wore flats, which ensured little sound was made with each of her steps. You were impressed by this, and you had a vague impression that General Hux was taking silent notes. Less noise meant less distractions in the workplace. It would not be the first time someone suggested that female officers would not be allowed to wear heels. You varied between flats and heels; it was dependant upon your mood and what tasks would be yours for the day. There were also occasions when it was easier due to after work events.

 

 

It took roughly three minutes for your small entourage to reach the room. The assistant opened the door, stepping aside for your superior to enter. You pressed two fingers against the bridge of your nose as the TR droid rudely stepped in front of you to file in after the man. This was, thankfully, the droid’s trial run; the meeting would largely consist of individuals who _could_ speak Basic. It was a test in behavior. So far the droid was failing. You were not going to point that out yet. It was difficult to predict how droids would react seeing that they had no facial expressions.

 

 

You thanked the assistant by way of a quick nod as you walked past her into the room. She returned the gesture. The door closed behind you without coming in herself.

 

 

You, General Hux, and the droid stood on one side of a long table that was in the center of the room. The other party was directly across from you. The senator was quite like how you imagined. Richly dressed to the point of gaudiness. You held in your opinions. After all, you were a professional and knew that anything you said would reflect on the entire First Order. The senator and his group viewed you as nothing more than an underling. Some dog to be kept muzzled. You would entertain this view with the knowledge that in reality you were one of the top droid programmers from your home system.

 

 

“General, it’s good to see you again. We’re sorry about the wait,” an older gray-haired man said, obviously one of the senator’s advisors.

 

 

“Obviously. Tell me, do you always make people wait for more than twenty minutes? Or did you run into an asteroid field and lose your minds?” he almost growled, which you prayed he wouldn’t start to yell like he did at some of the lower officers aboard the _Finalizer_.

 

 

“Sir, it was more like ten minutes,” TR said, matter-of-factly and you wanted to remind him what happens to droids that backtalk too much toward their superior.

 

 

You would have felt sorry for the blushing senator if it hadn’t been that _exact_ individual who had arranged this meeting. As for the underlings of the politician, you did empathize.

 

 

“Please, have a seat,” the senator said, but Hux continued to stand, crossing his arms as he scowled. You weren’t sure if you should stand or sit, but your feet were hurting from the heels you were wearing. You silently cursed at the pain you were feeling with several blisters on your heels. You were hopeful that with him having seen the practicality of the assistant wearing flats for this occasion, that maybe the ginger-haired General would _not_ push for you to follow the First Order dress code for meetings which did involve heels. After all, it was only because of his insistence that you were wearing those heels today.

 

 

“The reason I called for this meeting was to find out what your plans are for the Order. We discussed earlier plans when we provided funding, and I’m interested in where we stand as far as finances.”

 

 

You observed your superior in your peripheral. The protocol droid remained silent, and this was something that caused you to feel an enormous amount of relief. General Hux’s lips were a thin line as he stared at the party across the table. He understood the impact silence could have on people. The senator swallowed thickly. Beads of sweat began to gather on his brow. The red-haired man was in contrast perfectly calm. On the exterior, that is. This was a topic of annoyance for him. Senators were far too nosey, which was frustrating. They provided the funding yet they also had loose lips when it came to information that could be sold or further their political career.

 

 

The cups of water that the TR droid had previously brought for both you and the general were on the table. You glanced at yours, hesitating before moving to lift it. No one would judge you on this. That was one pleasant thing about being thought of as a piece of furniture by the senator and his company.

 

 

“The plans remain now as they were then,” he said simply. Irritation flashed in the senator’s eyes, a deep blush forming on his cheeks. He sputtered, spittle hitting the table. You were glad it did not reach you--that would have been rather gross. “We agreed that you would be given limited information for the sake of privacy and reducing the risks of security breaches.”

 

 

“The probability of a security breach is less likely to occur from the officer of this Senator than it is of Hux to find a mate one day,” the protocol stated and you almost spit out your water as he said that statement, trying not to spray water all over the other guests in the room, for which you would’ve been terribly embarrassed.

 

 

“Regardless, we need to know where the money is going,” the senator said, slowly raising his eyes to stare at the General’s well-groomed hair. “It’s obvious that you’re using a fair amount of expensive gel, and perhaps you’ve been secretly funneling the money for your own personal expenses.”

 

 

It was a good thing that you had set down your datapad as well as your cup of water. You would have dropped both. This senator was far more bold than the ill-mannered protocol droid with which Hux had been contending. Said creation chose this moment to once more offer input.

 

 

“The probability of that may also be higher than that of General Hux successfully breeding.” The look that Hux shot the droid told you that it would have also had its existence ended by the man’s blaster if these actions would not have caused the bodyguards across the table to draw their weapons.

 

 

It was through clenched teeth that your superior responded. “I can assure you, senator,”--he spoke the title as though it were a swear-- “that I do not allow my personal interests to interfere with my work.” You wondered just how many times and in how many ways he had imagined himself murdering the man as well as maiming the droid.

 

 

“The point is,” you said quietly, even though you knew the senator wouldn’t be happy, “we need more funding if we are to complete the First Order’s main priority.”

 

 

“And what is this main priority?” the Senator asked.

 

 

Hux’s eyes glared at each person sitting in the room. “This information does not leave this room, period. We are currently working on an army of assassination droids that will prove to be very handy as we continue our goals.” The man raised one of his gloved hands, making a gesture in the air towards the protocol droid that was standing beside him. You had a good sabacc face which kept you from reacting. As for the droid, however...

 

 

“I was not made aware of assassination droids,” TR said. It at last noticed that General Hux was essentially pointing to it. “I am a protocol droid. I am well-versed in over six million forms of communication.”

 

 

“That, of course, is the cover,” the redhead said with a smirk, cutting off the senator’s response to the droid.

 

 

“Protocol droids as assassins?” the man asked with obvious skepticism.

 

 

You nodded, again speaking up in order to support your superior. “It is a new line. We place the droids where they will be eventually hired by the target or someone close to the target. The TR line is short for TR8-0R. Since the droids will be viewed as traitors, and thus those who arranged the hit will never be revealed. It’s been rather exhausting, ensuring that both the assassination and protocol programs are correctly coded into the droids’ memories.”

 

 

You did not miss the way the senator’s eyebrows started to rise. He was nodding with approval. His lips were pursed forward, and you wondered if he was thinking of political rivals he would love to see assassinated. Would this be a new project that would now be official for the First Order? Or would General Hux be able to make up an excuse for the project failing? Should that occur, the senator would possibly demand a return of finances. Unless he died…

 

 

 _Which could happen technically_ , you thought.

 

 

“I would like to see them in action one day,” the Senator said, unsure of your intentions with said line of fake droids.

 

 

“One day, you just may,” Hux drawled. You closed your eyes. _Yeah...he’s probably going to die._

 

 

The Senator could tell that this meeting was on more tense terms than he had intended, and you knew as well that it was probably best to leave before someone got hurt. Thankfully it was the senator who reacted to the mood in the room. “Well,” he said, standing up and extending his hand to shake the General’s hand. “I look forward to our next meeting. I understand that you’re a busy man and you probably have a lot to do today.”

 

 

“Well, I truly enjoyed this meeting and I think we all got to know each other quite well,” TR said cheerfully and Hux could only glare at the droid for speaking at all.


	2. Chapter 2

There was a certain art in the language of silence. One had to understand _mood_ above all else. Facial expressions, the way the body talked. For instance, the scowl that remained present on General Hux’s face informed you that he was still frustrated with having been pulled away from his work on Starkiller base to play nice with the senator. The redhead clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes each time TR moved so much as a millimeter. This practically screamed out the man’s annoyance of the droid. Under these circumstances, you could not say that you blamed him. Never before had a droid you had programmed been so, well, personally rude. This was not a glitch sadly. You had sought to create a more free-thinking protocol droid in the hopes that it could offer valuable input when the General needed it. Random statistics, especially of the nature of mating and General Hux finding a romantic or sexual partner, were not business appropriate.

 

 

The assistant who had led the three of you to the room in which the meeting had taken place was now walking beside you as a sort of guide, albeit an unnecessary one, back to your transport shuttle. Your eyes dropped down towards the floor. You truly did envy her those flats. You had been aware that there would be excess walking today, and thus when General Hux had insisted that you follow proper uniform protocol, you had felt your mood souring. You were already able to feel where there were blisters forming. It was a topic that irritated you. Women having two separate uniforms depending upon the occasion. Granted, the men did as well. Their shoes were always either flats or boots. They never had to endure heels. Lucky sonsofbanthas.

 

 

Of the triumvirate, you favored Captain Phasma at times since you had less direct contact with her. Your meetings were always brief, long enough that she could tell you exactly what her ‘troopers needed, and then you were left to your own devices.

 

 

General Hux preferred that you be present during any trial run with newer droids. This was reasonable, you conceded; however, if it meant heels and blisters, you’d rather the man take a flying leap into the nearest trash compactor. Well, not really. He was a good boss overall.

 

 

As for Kylo Ren, that man was far more volatile. He had not once harmed you. The same, unfortunately, could not be said for some of your droid projects. The man was sometimes patient enough to allow you to finish before using them. Other times he either forgot that you had not yet installed the shields that would prevent his lightsaber from completely destroying them, or else he was too angered to care. Another thing was that the man never once apologized when he did destroy the droids. His actions did change. He became almost hesitant around you, which always allowed you to know that, on some level, he _did_ feel guilty.

 

 

That never stopped you from wanting to take his lightsaber and use the hilt against the side of his head. Not that you _could_. But you wanted to.

 

 

You puffed up your cheeks, blew out a steady stream of air without making much noise, and lifted your gaze so that you were watching where you were going. The docking bay was just up ahead. General Hux appeared to lengthen his strides, likely wanting to quicken your departure so that he would not have to keep face and play nice with TR. Said droid pleasantly made remarks on the layout of the place. It was superior to other locations where the rooms for meetings were _too_ close to the shuttles, which caused difficulty when one was trying to listen and also a higher percentage of permanent damage to hearing. You bobbed your head as you absently listened to the droid. In your mind, you had begun to go over what adjustments would be needed to increase the droid’s probabilities of survival.

 

 

The assistant bid the three of you farewell when the four of you arrived at the ramp of the shuttle. General Hux gave a curt response without turning around. You would have thought him rude, save for the fact that you, having worked closely with him off and on, knew that he likely was dealing with a forming headache. You kept your response to the assistant brief, however you were more polite than your superior. She smiled, gave a wave, and then started to walk away. TR had since followed in after the redhead. You quickly hurried up the ramp, which began to rise behind you.

 

 

As the ship took off, you had TR sit in the back and power down to conserve his battery. Hux immediately started to rant. His eyes looked like they could pierce through your soul and his brow furrowed with anger.

 

 

“How dare they question me! I'm a top General and they dare question it!?” You heard him mutter about the hair gel and how they questioned it. Didn’t they know that appearance meant everything, even for a top general like him? _Especially_ for one of the higher ranking generals, you thought. For the senator to have pressed that Hux had used anything other than personal funds on the hair products, however… “I don't think I've ever dealt with a senator with such audacity!”

 

 

You stayed silent, mostly because you wanted to hear him rant before you responded.

 

 

“If I could shoot that droid right now, I would! Programmed with a big mouth, that one. Do you always program droids to be… bossy?”

 

 

“No, sir. I guess I have to work on things.” You knew he wasn’t taking it out on you personally. He was just needing to let off steam. It wasn’t the first time you had been yelled at for things you couldn’t control. Droids were always a work in progress, and this was something that General Hux was aware of. Normally his venting and ranting did not involve personal confrontation. This allowed you to know that TR had been especially infuriating.

 

 

You remembered one time that you had worked with a training droid that had issues with following orders and Hux had complained once several officers had been in the medbay after being hit with several blasts. He had ranted to you about the bills that he had to pay in order to have the officers healed and once the ranting was over, he used his blaster to destroy the droid after the droid mouthed off to him. You were glad he hadn’t destroyed TR… yet. You wanted to prove to him that TR would be upgraded to the finest protocol droid the Order had seen.

 

 

You hummed out a noise to acknowledge that you were listening, though in reality you were tuning out some of his comments. Your feet were _aching_. You reached down to rub them. So engrossed were you in your pain that it took you a moment to catch what he had just said. You blinked, repeating it in your mind.

 

 

_“...as though they need to know where our funds go--I’ll order you lotion for that--when it is clearly something that would be divulged to our enemy at that point. Rubbing it will worsen it--and, besides, I appreciate your comments during the meeting. You were more professional than the droid and I will ask for your opinions in future meetings.”_

 

 

You were surprised that he was being very nice to you. As he sat next to you, you noticed he was on his datapad, ordering some supplies on the holonet. You continued to think about his earlier comment.  Not that he wasn’t appreciative of what you did, but he had never ordered you anything expensive before. His comments made you think a little as you sat there, checking the price of the lotion he ordered you. Your eyes went wide once you saw the price tag.

 

 

A small part of you wanted to object because of the cost, however you were _not_ proud enough to deny yourself such a luxury. The heels had been worn upon his insistence after all. You bit back a smile and felt your cheeks heating up a little. The man beside you continued to rant, although some of the animosity had faded. You let him speak without interrupting him. TR was your responsibility, and you could see how annoying the droid could be. It wasn’t on purpose...although, you thought, if anyone ever irritated you enough, you could theoretically send the droid their way.

 

 

These thoughts and the occasional comment from the ginger-haired general filled the remainder of your trip to the _Finalizer_ . As the shuttle landed, you noticed a familiar black-cloaked figure hovering nearby. He came closer the moment the ramp was lowered. TR was, thankfully, still powered down. The General would _not_ have the patience for both the Knight and your droid. Your droid would be the one to suffer, not that droids could exactly feel pain.

 

 

“General Hux!” The black-cloaked figure known as Kylo Ren stomped loudly toward you both. You knew the two of them didn’t get along, so you knew a storm was brewing. “One of your former officers destroyed the training droids! I went into the room and they were all in pieces! I demand something be done about this!”

 

 

You sighed, knowing that you had worked hard on those droids after he had requested it. You noticed the ginger-haired man was getting impatient and after a long day of meetings, he wasn’t ready to argue with the tall Knight of Ren. It nearly made you wonder what it would be like to watch Ren go at it with TR.

 

 

“I don’t have time for this, Ren. I can have Y/N build you a new set of training droids, but I cannot do anything to prevent what happened.”

 

 

You didn’t have much interaction with Kylo Ren, but he had been interested in the new training droids and you were surprised he had come to you so quickly. You weren’t happy that the old ones had been destroyed, but it would give you a chance to upgrade them and to prove to Ren that you could build him the best droids that would help him train with his fellow Knights. You made a mental note to adjust the shield that comprised the droids’ shells. If a disgruntled officer could destroy the droids, you knew that the Knights of Ren would easily damage them as well.

 

 

“I will request her presence now, then. I assume she is free?”

 

 

Hux glanced at you and you were at least glad that he was ranting less, so he agreed to it. You followed the tall, black-cloaked Knight as he led you into the destroyed room and you saw the many pieces of the droids that laid before you. As you glanced around, you noticed some pieces that could be reused, so it made you a little more hopeful that you could build them and recycle some parts.

 

 

You knelt down and picked up several pieces, putting them into a corner of the room so you wouldn’t accidentally throw them away. You didn’t notice that Ren was hovering over you as you did so, and even if you had, you wouldn’t have minded. You were used to Hux being near you as you worked.

 

 

“Hmmm. I can use some of these pieces again, sir. Even though he destroyed most of the wires and circuits, I can use these metal pieces to keep them stronger. Less likely to be destroyed in the future.”

 

 

He grunted in response and you continued to observe the pieces. “Did you want me to add anything to them, sir?” Your close inspection revealed to you that the shielding had been flawed only in specific locations. Less work on that upgrade.

 

 

Kylo Ren, when he spoke, nearly caused you to jump, as you at last realized how near to you he was. The Master of the Knights of Ren had a strange thing when it came to personal space. He could invade yours, but anyone else needed to be wary of his. “Increase the number produced. They are more useful than the standard droids.” Your heart hiccuped in your chest at the disguised praise. After earning a similar response from General Hux, you felt almost overwhelmed with pride.

 

 

You suddenly noticed TR had walked into the room, slowly glancing at the broken pieces throughout the room. “Well, looks like Master Ren got carried away again, didn’t he, Y/N?”

 

 

You tried not to form a smile on your lips, knowing that Master Ren sometimes became so angry that he would trash whatever room he was in. You wished TR had a button that would immediately shut him down, but unfortunately you hadn’t programmed one. You would save that note for later.

 

 

“I’m sorry, sir. This is TR, one of my works-in-progress. He’s a protocol droid but he sometimes gets carried away.” You glared at TR as you finished that sentence, hoping he would get the memo.

 

 

“Carried away? I simply am stating that Master Ren has issues to work out and he may benefit from some help. Perhaps a tantrum droid? I’m sure you could come up with something, Y/N.”

 

 

You jumped as Ren’s ‘saber activated and you backed up quickly in case you would be in the middle of one of his tantrums, as TR phrased it. You saw him breathe heavily as he looked back at you and his ‘saber deactivated, the man trying to keep his composure so as not to scare you. He saw a broken leg that was still standing up and he kicked it hard with his foot instead. The loud noise echoed through the small room and you wondered if TR would say something stupid. Of course he did.

 

 

“Well, you’re never going to be able to use those pieces if you kick them around like that. Honestly, I’ll never understand the human mind. It’s not like I get angry when someone tells me to do something.”

 

 

“Well,” you said gently. “Everyone is programmed differently.” Kylo Ren twisted around, his visor pointed your way. You stayed perfectly still.

 

 

“Well, then there is an error in Master Ren’s programming. Perhaps he should be sent to maintenance…” In your mind’s eye, you could see the droid joining the heap on the ground. His colored panels would clash with the other metal in terms of color. Of course, it was not only for aesthetic reasons that you hoped your superior would hold back. Knowing better than to leave that chance to fate, you spoke up.

  


 

“I’ll send you to maintenance, TR. Maybe you need to leave… now.”

  


 

“No need to be rude,” he said, as he left the room.

 

 

You were shaking your head as you watched the droid go. He was neither rushing nor dragging his feet. Despite this, you wished he walked faster. Kylo Ren was following the droid’s every move, the man clearly irritated. There was a chance that he had had an especially cumbersome mission before he had come back to the _Finalizer_. Nothing like dealing with a senator as the general had. Your superiors had poor luck, didn’t they? You felt a little badly for them, and so you spoke up in an attempt to lighten the mood.

 

 

“I’m sorry, sir. He can be a pain at times and I promise I will work out the problems. He’s still learning, but he’s never disobeyed an order.”

 

 

“Mmmm. Well, I expect those droids to be completed quickly. I don’t have much patience,” he said, still breathing heavily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all for the kudos and comments you guys have left us! We are so grateful for all our readers! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and let us know what you thought! :)


End file.
